Wednesday, May 22, 2013

You are never alone

Now that the semester is over for Jake, he has been getting more hours at maceys. It reminds me of last summer when I worked the 8 to 5 shift and he worked the 2 to 10 shift. I miss him. I have been trying to move forward - but it's hard when you are sitting home alone, your pregnancy hormones are still trying to taper down, and you have nobody to hug. 

I had a follow up miscarriage appointment today. Every day since I have found out, things have become a little easier, but going back to the doctor today, my emotions were definitely triggered again.

I am one of those people who tries to put on a positive face, despite whatever feelings I am feeling. I have been wondering why it is I exactly do that. I often times feel embarrassed to cry, or show emotions. I guess I don't like a lot of attention drawn to myself, and want to feel like I can handle everything on my own. 

Truth is, I can't. Truth is, I am not supposed to. 

God is always there supporting and loving us every step of the way. Often times he is their through other people. We need to let those people in and show them that they are needed. We need to let God's love in. We cannot and should not go through life on our own - blessings are all around us if we just look. 

I know this is something that is hard for a lot of people to do, especially me. But I am so grateful that I have a husband who, may not understand me when I get into my emotional phases, but is there to comfort me. Being married is such a blessed thing, and I know it was created by God. 

So I guess what I am trying to say is that we have God, our significant other, and all of our other loved ones to help us through life challenges, and we should let them in. We never have to be alone. 

During times like this, I find this song very comforting. I hope you do too. 

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Patience, Faith, and The Lord's Way

Back in February something very unexpected happened to my little family. I cannot say the exact time that it hit us, or the exact way it hit us, but all of the sudden Jake and I knew that we needed to start trying to have children. We were very nervous and felt unprepared for this endeavor - but knew and prayed that it was the right thing to do. There were a lot of questions that were left unanswered as we took on this challenge - but again, like I said before, we knew that it was the right thing to do.

Only about a month later, Jake and I found out that we were expecting, and while we were way nervous because we did not expect it to happen so quickly, we were very excited and could not keep the news to ourselves for very long. I could not help but think that this was the Lord's plan and that this is what he wanted for us, and that was why we were blessed so quickly.

We went to the doctors office for our eight week appointment and everything seemed to be going well. I was quite nervous for the appointment because I did not know what to expect, all I wanted to hear was that the baby was healthy and that everything was going along the way that it was supposed to. When the doctor did the ultrasound he said that the baby was measuring only 6 weeks along, but we could see the small flicker of a heartbeat, so everything seemed okay. The doctor wanted to come see me again 2 weeks later when the baby would be measuring 8 weeks, just because things were still a little small.

Despite the fact that the baby was measuring small, we were thrilled to share the news with everyone. We had my sister Nicole take announcement pictures to post on Facebook and to email people the news. Despite my pregnancy symptoms, we were so happy and felt so blessed with the new little addition to our family.

Last Monday was my follow up appointment for when the baby should be measuring 8 weeks. I was not as nervous for this appointment, because I had already gone through it once and was sure that everything was going well. The doctor came in to do the follow up ultra-sound, and I could see some concern on his face when it started. At this doctor's office, there are about 8 doctors that switch off seeing you. So this doctor was different than the one that I had seen previously. He asked me if the previous doctor had found the heartbeat during the last appointment. I answered in approval, and then he continued zooming and moving the camera around in different angles trying to find the heartbeat. Suddenly, he turned off the monitor and sat down in his chair. "Unfortunately," he said, "I believe you may have miscarried."

I did not know how to respond. He told us that he would give us some time and then we would head over to his office to talk some more. I was still in shock with what he had said. I looked over at Jake and the sad expression he had on his face as well. We had about 10 minutes to ourselves before the doctor came back in. It was hard to not let the emotions get to me. I was sure that everything was okay. I knew that this was something that the Lord wanted us to do, so how could He let this happen to us?

The doctor came back in and told us that the baby was only measuring about 6 1/2 weeks now and that combined with not finding the heartbeat, he was 95% sure that I had miscarried. He also said that that may be the reason that the baby was measuring small at the first appointment. Even though the baby did have a heartbeat, it just was not growing quite correctly. I like to think that it was hanging on for as long as it could, but in the end it just was not growing correctly.

He had me go to the hospital and take a couple blood tests to measure my pregnancy hormone levels, just to confirm his diagnosis. I had to take one then and then take another one 48 hours afterwards. I did not have a lot of hope that the blood tests were going to prove him wrong, but there was still a small hope. Thursday he called me with the results of the blood tests, they had confirmed my miscarriage.

It's hard to think that if there was something that I could have done differently, that the baby would still be around. The facts are though that there is a 1 in 5 chance of this happening in any pregnancy and most of the times it is because things did not line up quite correctly in the growing process. This has been really hard for me wondering about future pregnancies. This was my first. I could not help but wonder if I will ever have a successful pregnancy. More and more doubts kept flourishing in my mind as the week has continued, but there is one thing I know for sure, the Lord has a plan for me.

I have been so blessed with the amazing love and support of my family members and loved ones, from flowers, dinner, little surprises on my doorstep, and words of sympathy and love. They have helped remind me that there is a plan for each of us. There is no doubt that I had not seen this coming in His plan for me, but I am learning patience and faith that things will work out the way that they are supposed to.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." - Isaiah 55:8-9

The Lord does have a plan for me. He has a plan for each of us. I am not sure when the soul comes into the body, but I can't help but think that I may have a little child already up there waiting for me. Their earthly experience was not as long as a lot of ours were, but this little spirit came down to obtain a body. While this body was not perfect - it still was obtained and used for a short period of time. I love this little spirit with all my heart and love the short time that I was able to spend with it. While I am saddened, I know that this was the way things were supposed to play out - and I will continue on with patience, faith, and hope in the Lord's way.

We love you little baby, thank you for the short time you were with us.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

My Own Little Universe Matters

Do you ever feel like you are so small compared to the entire world or even the entire universe? Despite how small we are, it's amazing how the life you live is your universe, it's your everything. We are all faced with different experiences, which make us who we are. Sometimes our little bubbles of a universe bump into someone else's, and experiences are shared. The whole universe suddenly becomes a venn diagram.

Everyone takes on their own shapes and you are just in the middle of it all - feeling small compared to the whole universe.

So why am I going here and using desperate art attempts to try to get a message across? Lately I have been feeling desperate for some sort of peace and assurance that I matter. There are so many things that come and overwhelm me and I sometimes can't help but wonder, is the life that I am living worth anything compared to the whole scheme of things? Maybe it's just the hormones talking - but it is something that has been on my mind.

I had an amazing experience today as I prayed to find this assurance. I dumped and loaded everything out on my Heavenly Father. As I was finishing my prayer I felt a very specific feeling. The Lord had put down everything for a few minutes to listen to what I had to say. I felt his personal love for me and knew that he was listening. He reminded me that I did matter.

Prayer has been somewhat of a struggle for me once I started working full time. I have really missed the couple minutes of complete peace and communication with my Heavenly Father. A few days ago, I was talking with Jake about this struggle, and we both knew that one of the reasons I have felt overwhelmed is because I have not been taking the time to communicate with my Heavenly Father.

The Lord will help fill the emptiness inside of you and let you know that you do matter - who ever you may be! Just remember to let him in!